|Season 1, Episode 1|
|Air date||May 31, 2015|
|Dylan Crushes Reading (Pilot season)||Winter Is Staying|
The Pilot episode is the first episode of Golan the Insatiable.
It begins with an old man welcoming us to Oak Grove, where the number one export is "Minnesota nice." However, it turns out he's just talking to a parking meter that he has mistaken for a woman. The scene then switches to a schoolyard, where Mackenzie B and her clique are taunting Dylan. Dylan then turns on them with a mace made of rubber bands. But Mrs. Budnick then drags Dylan away and calls Carole. It quickly becomes apparent that this season will be a reboot of the series, since Mackenzie B mocks Dylan for having a single mother. Dylan gets sent home, so Carole has to take her to work. She then sends Dylan down to the basement to play (i.e., see if the glue traps have caught any rats). Seeing a crack in the wall filled with thousands of spiders, she naturally reaches into the hole and pulls out a book that's hidden inside.
That night, at home, Dylan tries reading (another indication that this is a reboot) spells from the book, which do all kinds of horrific things. Finally, she tries summoning a murderous beast, and the scene flashes to Gkruool, where we see Golan enjoying himself as the undisputed Godlord Terrible. (Yet another indication that this is a reboot.) He's talking to his head acolyte, Kruung. Then he goes to take a leak, and gets sucked through a portal to Oak Grove. He lands in a forest, and Dylan goes out to find him. He demands to know how he got there, and she tells him about the book. He is surprised to learn she has the legendary Gkruoolian Tome of Infinite Evil, and demands she tell him where it is. She says it's under her bed, where she also hides the anti-psychotic meds she's supposed to take, among other things. She invites him to her house, and he agrees. (He also mistakes her for a boy, and is a bit grossed out when she corrects him.)
When they get to Dylan's house, Carole freaks out about there being a monster (Golan) in the house. Dylan demands that she make Toaster Strudels for them. While Carole does that, Dylan goes to fetch the Tome, and Golan flirts with Carole. When Dylan gets back to the kitchen, she overhears Golan telling Carole that when he gets the Tome, he'll return to Gkruool forever. Dylan doesn't want that, so she hides the book and claims it was stolen. Golan and Dylan go to Town Hall to file a missing property report, and Mrs. Budnick gives Golan a form to fill out. Meanwhile, Alexis complains to Keith about Golan (whom she calls her mother's new boyfriend). Keith takes his nunchaku to the Beeklers' door, planning to teach Golan a lesson... but he's terrified when he sees Golan, who simply takes the nunchaku from him and closes the door. Keith goes back to Alexis and tries to comfort her with a speech about accepting Golan as her new father figure. Then Golan finds that Dylan hasn't yet finished filling out the form he got from Mrs. Budnick, so he tells her that Kruung, the best acolyte ever, would already have finished it and offered to kill some of Golan's wives for him. Dylan asks what an acolyte is. Golan explains, and Dylan thinks it sounds awesome, and wants to become his acolyte, herself.
The next day, Dylan goes to school before Golan wakes up. But she had left a video message for him on her laptop, not realizing that the Tome is visible in the background. So when she gets home (driven by the cops, because she had brought a crossbow to school), Golan confronts her about her lie. She tells him she only lied because she didn't want him to leave, because he's the only friend she ever had. But he throws her through a wall, and she agrees to return the book. But it turns out it's been stolen for real, so Golan brings Dylan's backpack to life so it can tell him who stole the book. The backpack demands that Dylan make another backpack to be his wife, then reveals that it was Mackenzie B who stole the book, thinking it was Dylan's diary. She plans to read it with her friends at a slumber party that night.
Golan and Dylan to to Mackenzie B's house, where Dylan douses herself in gasoline, planning to set the house on fire, find the Tome, and throw it out to Golan while she is burned alive. But Mackenzie's mother comes to the door, having heard something outside. So Dylan goes with Plan B, which is to tell a sob story to trick her into forcing Mackenzie B to invite Dylan to her slumber party. Mackenzie B agrees, planning to make Dylan wear a tiara, knowing that Dylan would hate that. She and her friends give Dylan a complete princess makeover and take pictures to share online, then Dylan looks for the book. However, Mackenzie B has it with her, so Dylan tricks her into reading a spell Golan suggested. The spell brings all of the stuffed animals in the room to life, and they go on a rampage, killing all the kids as well as Mackenzie B's mother. Dylan grabs the Tome and rejoins Golan outside. He's ready to return to Gkruool, but Dylan tries to convince him to stay, so she can be his acolyte. He mocks that idea, and returns home. But when he gets there, he finds that Kruung has usurped his position, and is making fun of him. When Kruung sees Golan, he orders him executed, so Golan opens another portal and returns to Oak Grove, where he goes on a rampage. Seeing this on TV, Carole urges Dylan to go to him. Meanwhile, Alexis tries to stir the townsfolk into killing Golan. However, the Mayor convinces them instead to try to cheer Golan up with some Minnesota nice. They agree, but still seem like an angry mob when they go to find Golan. Dylan finds him first, and then when the mob shows up, she steals their fire truck and wreaks havoc, herself. Then she can't find the brakes, and plunges over a cliff. But Golan uses a spell from the Tome to save her, and she finally becomes his acolyte. Back at home, Dylan begins planning for Golan and herself to take over Minnesota, and Golan says that after that, they can return to Gkruool and reclaim his throne.
- Keith Knudsen Jr.
- Mrs. Budnick
- The Mayor
- Duck Bill O'Reilly (Pictured)
- Richard Beekler (Pictured)
- (Dylan is playing by herself when Mackenzie B and the girls confront her)
- Mackenzie B: Oh, sorry. I accidentally dropped my juice box on the back of your head.
- (Mackenzie B throws her juice box at Dylan and her friends laugh)
- Mackenzie B: Hey, Dylan. Look what we made with our rainbow looms. What'd you make with yours? A friend?
- (The girls laugh)
- Dylan: I don't need friends, Mackenzie B, when I have this!
- (Dylan takes out a mace made of rainbow looms and attacks the girls)
- Alexis: Hey, I heard you got kicked out of school again, you buttlips!
- Dylan: Bitchonfiresayswhat?
- Alexis: What?
- (Dylan lights Alexis on fire)
- Dylan: Yes! Yes! A murderous beast? I could totally go for one of those. Ad cum ed nieve do raku!
- (Screen cuts to Golan in Gkruool)
- Golan: More virgins for everyone!
- (Everyone cheers for Golan)
- (Golan ends up in the Earth dimension for the first time)
- Golan: What the hell? (sees a deer) You there! The sexy thing giving me the bedroom eye. Tell me where I am and I will reward you with the most forgettable compilation of your life!
- (The deer runs off)
- Golan: Man, am I in the all jerk dimension?
- Dylan: Pretty much, yeah.
- Golan: What?
- (Golan turns and sees Dylan behind him)
- Dylan: You are in Oak Grove, beast.
- Golan: Beast? I am no beast, for I am Golan the Insatiable, Godlord terrible of Gkruool, crusher of will, IMPREGNATOR OF THE UNIMPREGNABLE!!!
- Dylan: ... Awesome! I am Dylan Enouse Beekler. Holder of the soccer participation trophy, master of the Italian accent, Googler of "What is sex?"!
- Mrs. Budnick: Young man!
- Golan: WHAT!?
- Mrs. Budnick: If you want to find lost property, you're going to have to fill out a standard D-13.
- Golan: Give me that! Let's see this ... name, okay got that ... social security ... um ... okay going to have to call home for that one ... I ACCEPT YOUR CHALLENGE VERY ATTRACTIVE OGER I SHALL RETURN BY NEXT SUNDOWN!!!
- (Golan smashes through the thresholds of the doors)
- Dylan: That's right. Golan is taller than most architects plan for! Mwahahahaha!
- (Dylan trips over a chunk of broken wood)
- Dylan: Ow.
- Carole: Dylan, go to him.
- Dylan: Carole, don't touch me.
- This episode is the first episode to be aired as an episode of the actual series. All the episodes before this were pilot episodes. After Dave Jeser and Matt Silverstein joined the crew and helped Josh Miller with developing the storyline and concept of the show, the previous episodes were denied from the series' storyline and the story was recreated.
- This episode, along with it's season is commonly mistaken as Season 2 of the series, but really, it's Season 1 and the previous episodes were all pilots.
- Differences between the series and the pilot season:
- The character designs and voices are slightly modified.
- Dylan meets Golan for the first time in this episode, while he was already with her in the pilot season.
- Richard has disappeared as a character and Carole is now a single mother.
- The intro is changed to the title of the show in a backdrop of fire while a chorus chants "Golan!"
- The Mayor and Mackenzie B have changed personalities.
- This is the first episode to air on FOX's Sunday Funday prime time line-up.
- This is the longest episode of Golan the Instatiable running over 23 minutes.
- Some scenes in this episode are similar to scenes in the pilot episode Ragin' Fun such as Golan breaking into the courtroom and threatening everyone and then for Mrs. Budnick to stop him, telling him that he needs to first fill out the proper form to do this.
- The term "Acolyte" is introduced and used constantly in this episode. The term applies to people who serve as sidekicks or slaves to Golan the Insatiable. When asked by Dylan what the word meant, Golan said "It's like an apprentice only without any chances of being promoted and who I can blame stuff on." An Acolyte is actually a real word, which comes from Christian background. It means a servant who performs taks, mostly ceremonial duties for a highly important religious figure.
- A picture of Richard Beekler was seen on Carole's desk in the scene where she and Dylan were talking in the her cubicle at her office.